FTC speech draft

[Jonny Fairplay]

Good evening bitches.

I'mma just get right down to it, I fucking despise all three of you. I don't think any of you deserve the title of Sole Survivor of Japan. In my eyes, you all played spectacularly horrendous games, all for different reasons.

Eliza, you were at one point VOTED OUT OF THIS GAME. The only reason you're even sitting there right now is that you managed to get lucky with the bullshit Redemption Island twist, cause if that shit wasn't in play, you're ass would still be at pre-jury where it belongs. You've also proven yourself to be portraying one of the most annoying attempts at a dumb female character that I've ever seen. I've seen more smart portrayals of women from cartoons that were TRYING to be stupid. Your TC "answers" were always difficult to decipher, I felt at times I was reading some constructed language co-invented by Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes. There was no point at any time in this game that I ever took you seriously. Not even all your immunity wins can faze me. All I see in you is a loser.

Baylor, who are you? I had one super long conversation with you at the start of the game about San Juan Del Sur, then after the tribes were split I didn't hear anything from you. Understandable, tribal lines and whatnot. But then once the merge hit, I try to talk to you strategically, and you blow me off. Beautiful. You didn't even bother to at least talk with me and lie to me. That's how you establish a relationship with someone who you want to vote for you in the end, completely ignoring them and leaving them in the dark. And from what others have told me you've pretty much done the same thing to the other jury members here with me tonight. And that really wouldn't be as bad as it is, except for the fact that you were an extreme strategic non factor this ENTIRE game. PLEASE inform me of any big moves...hell, not even big moves, just MOVES IN GENERAL that you masterminded, cause I'm drawing blanks here.

Abi. Abi Abi Abi. There is no one in this cast that I want to DIE IN A CAR FIRE as much as you. You're entire persona is based on one things...

LIES.

Let me just quote my first impressions confessional for a moment...

"Abi - The first one I talked to. This chick seems to only talk in broken English with Spanish mixed in. I went along with it for funsies, but if she's only going to communicate like that...well fuck, you can already put her at the top of my boot list. That shit will soon become insufferable. Corrine and Coach as well since they both seem to dislike Abi as much as I do. Because seriously, this chick gets more and more on my nerves the more I see her post. I seriously don't hate anybody else as much as her."

And for the longest while, I hated you, and was planning on voting you out as soon as I could. But then, I changed my tune about you. I felt that you contributing to the tribe, and that I could trust you. So HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT when at the first merge vote YOU FUCKING BETRAY THE MAN WHO BROUGHT YOU INTO THAT GENJI ALLIANCE AND BLINDSIDED HIM. HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT when I figured out that YOU HAD BEEN LYING TO ME AND BASICALLY EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS GAME SINCE DAY FUCKING ONE? HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT when I figured out YOU'D BASICALLY BE GETTING A FREE RIDE TO THE FINALS BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE KNEW WE'D HATE YOU.

You are a deplorable person, EVEN BY MY STANDARDS. Like Eliza, you put on this dumb character to try and appear like more of an actual human being then you are, but you fail to realize the aliens will never be able to perfectly replicate what is to be a human, and your piss poor attempt at putting on this broken English act only make us hate you even more. You backstab people and flip sides for no good reason, and something that just irks to no end, is all the multiple times you told the hosts of this game "FUCK OFF" for no good reason? Like, I get that it was probably meant as a joke, but even then, you dragged it on for too long and made you look like a buffoon grasping at straws looking for some way to make yourself look edgy simply because Amber did it in her exit speech. And in the case that you were serious with it, then here's a big ole' FUCK OFF to you too Abi! To bring down these hosts who put a lot of time to making this game enjoyable for everyone, and to say that to them, is a fucking joke.

Once this game is over, I will not contact you via AIM or any other messaging service. I will happily delete you from my contacts, block you in all the appropriate places, and never speak to you again, you waste of egg and semen, you poor attempt at humanity, you disgrace to everything Survivor. Abi Maria-Gomes, go to hell.

[Jonny Fairplay]

Good evening bitches.

I'mma just get right down to it, I fucking despise all three of you. My esteemed colleague Corinne believes to be 2 goats and a cunt. I humbly disagree, and in my opinion, this is a FTC with nothing but three goats sitting there. I don't think any of you deserve the title of Sole Survivor of Japan. In my eyes, you all played spectacularly horrendous games, all for different reasons.



ELIZA

Eliza, you were at one point VOTED OUT OF THIS GAME. The only reason you're even sitting there right now is that you managed to get lucky with the bullshit Redemption Island twist, cause if that shit wasn't in play, you're ass would still be at pre-jury where it belongs. You've also proven yourself to be portraying one of the most annoying attempts at a dumb female character that I've ever seen. I've seen more smart portrayals of women from cartoons that were TRYING to be stupid. Your TC "answers" were always difficult to decipher, I felt at times I was reading some constructed language co-invented by Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes. There was no point at any time in this game that I ever took you seriously. Not even all your immunity wins can faze me. All I see in you is a loser.



BAYLOR

Baylor, who are you? I had one super long conversation with you at the start of the game about San Juan Del Sur, then after the tribes were split I didn't hear anything from you. Understandable, tribal lines and whatnot. But then once the merge hit, I try to talk to you strategically, and you blow me off. Beautiful. You didn't even bother to at least talk with me and lie to me. That's how you establish a relationship with someone who you want to vote for you in the end, completely ignoring them and leaving them in the dark. And from what others have told me you've pretty much done the same thing to the other jury members here with me tonight. And that really wouldn't be as bad as it is, except for the fact that you were an extreme strategic non factor this ENTIRE game. PLEASE inform me of any big moves...hell, not even big moves, just MOVES IN GENERAL that you masterminded, cause I'm drawing blanks here.



ABI

Abi. Abi Abi Abi. There is no one in this cast that I want to DIE IN A CAR FIRE as much as you. You're entire persona is based on one things...

LIES.

Let me just quote my first impressions confessional for a moment...

"Abi - The first one I talked to. This chick seems to only talk in broken English with Spanish mixed in. I went along with it for funsies, but if she's only going to communicate like that...well fuck, you can already put her at the top of my boot list. That shit will soon become insufferable. Corrine and Coach as well since they both seem to dislike Abi as much as I do. Because seriously, this chick gets more and more on my nerves the more I see her post. I seriously don't hate anybody else as much as her."

And for the longest while, I hated you, and was planning on voting you out as soon as I could. But then, I changed my tune about you. I felt that you contributing to the tribe, and that I could trust you. So HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT when at the first merge vote YOU FUCKING BETRAY THE MAN WHO BROUGHT YOU INTO THAT GENJI ALLIANCE AND BLINDSIDED HIM. HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT when I figured out that YOU HAD BEEN LYING TO ME AND BASICALLY EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS GAME SINCE DAY FUCKING ONE? HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT when I figured out YOU'D BASICALLY BE GETTING A FREE RIDE TO THE FINALS BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE KNEW WE'D HATE YOU.

You are a deplorable person, EVEN BY MY STANDARDS. Like Eliza, you put on this dumb character to try and appear like more of an actual human being then you are, but you fail to realize the aliens will never be able to perfectly replicate what is to be a human, and your piss poor attempt at putting on this broken English act only make us hate you even more. You backstab people and flip sides for no good reason, and something that just irks to no end, is all the multiple times you told the hosts of this game "FUCK OFF" for no good reason? Like, I get that it was probably meant as a joke, but even then, you dragged it on for too long and made you look like a buffoon grasping at straws looking for some way to make yourself look edgy simply because Amber did it in her exit speech. And in the case that you were serious with it, then here's a big ole' FUCK OFF to you too Abi! To bring down these hosts who put a lot of time to making this game enjoyable for everyone, and to say that to them, is a fucking joke.

Once this game is over, I will not contact you via AIM or any other messaging service. I will happily delete you from my contacts, block you in all the appropriate places, and never speak to you again, you waste of egg and semen, you poor attempt at humanity, you disgrace to everything Survivor. I'm sure outside of this game you're a cool chick to be around (or dude, if you happen to be one.) But in the context of this game, Abi Maria-Gomes, go to hell.

---

Now to the three of you as a whole. Please understand that the comments I'm about to make are from a viewers perspective, as I watched this unfold from Ponderosa. I think that I can speak for everyone when I say that it's because of you three that Survivor Warriors: Japan will go down as one of the most predictable and boring post-merges ever. We were able to predict most every round of the game, and because of that, you dashed any hopes we had of anything entertaining for us to see. You started by takin the people in this game that most deserved to win and systematically voting them out and denying them they're rightful spot in the F3. Abi sure as hell shouldn't be there, someone like PG should. Eliza shouldn't be there, someone like
Corinne should. Eliza shouldn't be there, someone like FUCKING ALEX deserves to be there more than her. And for that I have you three to blame. So congrats on getting this season into the Boring Hall of Fame, you truly deserve it.

Now as for how my vote is gonna go here, I'mma ask you a couple of questions, and I'm going to also be paying close attention to how you answer other peoples questions. Fail to impress me, and I'll leave it up to a random draw.

1. Baylor, I'd like for you to take this impression you're a huge fucking floater, and I'd like for you to give your best attempt at disproving that.

2. Eliza, you and me obviously had a huge tuffle during the pre-merge, do you think with even that event still fresh in my mind (which it is) that you still deserve my vote?

3. Abi, I want you to personally rank your jury management in this game on a scale from one to ten.

4. For all of you, I want you to rank the jury members in order from most deserving to least deserving of being in the FTC instead of you.

5. And for the customary compare question...I contemplated asking you to compare yourselves to a Uwe Boll movie, cause no matter which one you pick, it'll almost definitely be shit. But I decided you probably didn't know who that was, so I changed it to this. Compare yourselves to a famous piece of literature. Could be any book you want, just as long as you have good reason for it. I'd also like you to compare your other finalists to pieces of literature as well.

I await your answers with bated breath.