Post by Nate Gonzalez on Dec 15, 2014 6:11:51 GMT
I'm glad to see we won the immunity challenge. I attempted to be as useful as I could today given how busy I was with Sunday Funday activities and also how shitty (first emotionally, then physically) I felt. The emotionally part is because I woke up feeling hardly any happier than I did last night and then had to drive in downtown Chicago traffic; the physically part is because I woke up at 11, didn't have any food until 4, and now it's almost midnight and I still feel stuffed. Plus I took a nap upon getting home, which is going to make my sleep schedule continually fucked. On the plus side, Naf Naf Grill is delicious, even if it left me fuller than any Thanksgiving meal I've ever had, and the James Ensor exhibit at the Art Institute helped lighten my mood, which if you know his art is kind of remarkable. I suspect the combination of not having to drive anymore (goddamn does driving stress me out), getting mobile, and thinking about the personal problems of someone I don't personally know helped a lot.
I feel a lot better today, and I feel that that's in part because I have gone to Exile Island for the day: no logging on to AIM at all. Whenever I thought about the game today, my mood took a nosedive, and when I forgot about it, I began to resemble an approachable human being. (Strangely, although I am much more worried about the possible future implications of *ahem* the incident, it doesn't seem to affect my anxiety levels at all.) I just don't have it in me to even attempt small talk right now, let alone deal with any strategic decisions. I'll re-enter the game when we have a challenge to talk about, because I want to have some strength gathered in case there is any additional blowback. My approach to the rest of this game will be to attempt to make amends with the people I screwed over by sticking to their side. I will help them win immunity challenges and I will vote with them. If they don't want to vote with me and would prefer to vote me out, that's fine; my heart's not 100% in the game, but I would feel worse if I let them down a second time by quitting. If I'm approached by anyone from the outside who may have seen my public confessional, I am torn as to what I will do. If I lead them on, the outsized guilt from betraying my alliance will compound with the outsized guilt from leading them on, which will likely make me feel worse. If I tell them to shove off, it will give them a clear signal and further screw my alliance members. Either way, I still want to make everyone happy, and the impossibility of doing this is staring me right in the face. I used to think I was cut out for this game, but now I'm not so sure. What's clear to me right now is that the old "it's just a game" platitude is both 100% true and 100% false: It is just a game, and I have much more important things to deal with right now, like righting my sleep schedule, but I know that said game is having a very real impact on mine and others' well being, and it's something I have to manage so it doesn't ever get out of hand again.
I feel a lot better today, and I feel that that's in part because I have gone to Exile Island for the day: no logging on to AIM at all. Whenever I thought about the game today, my mood took a nosedive, and when I forgot about it, I began to resemble an approachable human being. (Strangely, although I am much more worried about the possible future implications of *ahem* the incident, it doesn't seem to affect my anxiety levels at all.) I just don't have it in me to even attempt small talk right now, let alone deal with any strategic decisions. I'll re-enter the game when we have a challenge to talk about, because I want to have some strength gathered in case there is any additional blowback. My approach to the rest of this game will be to attempt to make amends with the people I screwed over by sticking to their side. I will help them win immunity challenges and I will vote with them. If they don't want to vote with me and would prefer to vote me out, that's fine; my heart's not 100% in the game, but I would feel worse if I let them down a second time by quitting. If I'm approached by anyone from the outside who may have seen my public confessional, I am torn as to what I will do. If I lead them on, the outsized guilt from betraying my alliance will compound with the outsized guilt from leading them on, which will likely make me feel worse. If I tell them to shove off, it will give them a clear signal and further screw my alliance members. Either way, I still want to make everyone happy, and the impossibility of doing this is staring me right in the face. I used to think I was cut out for this game, but now I'm not so sure. What's clear to me right now is that the old "it's just a game" platitude is both 100% true and 100% false: It is just a game, and I have much more important things to deal with right now, like righting my sleep schedule, but I know that said game is having a very real impact on mine and others' well being, and it's something I have to manage so it doesn't ever get out of hand again.
